There are times when I am momentarily—many, many moments, mind you—drawn to someone who exists not as a stranger, but as a memory. A memory of a former ally who gets along well enough without me now, eats away at the earth to create her own personal path but who, also, at one time, shared a friendship with me and whom I adored and cherished—or, rather, should have adored and cherished more, more, more.

In-between our more recent neglects in communication, she took the time to write for me a short, thoughtful letter which I still read from time to time when I find myself heavy or blue or down and depressed. I’ve since received hate mail, friendship resignations, self-righteous apologies, acted ugly, and made mistakes—but it’s so nice to be able to read and remember that someone, somewhere, thinks I’m pretty good people.

I do hope it’s okay to post this, and I’ll leave it anonymous, but seriously:
So. Much. Love.

I’m not sure of the purpose of this, I only know that once in a great while nostalgia sweeps in and I’m forced to look back. Inevitably, when this happens, I think of the strange fixture you have been in my life for the past 6 or so years.

Ever since we met, you have always been the standard I could never reach. I looked up to you, adored you, always wanted to be you in even the smallest way. I never truly felt part of your inner circle, and maybe I never was, but the fact that your life was always at arms length to mine served to color you as this quirky, beautiful, fearless girl. You were everything I wasn’t and, I won’t lie, sometimes I hated you for it.

I have no idea what impact I have had on your life, whether insignificant or monumental it doesn’t diminish the magnitude of how you have impacted mine. Even now, when my jealousy and self-loathing have pushed you out of my life, you still give me courage when I think I have none left. You seemed to know exactly who you were, and exactly what you wanted, and exactly how to get it, and even how to attract good things into your life that you never planned. In a word, you were effortless. I realize, now, that I have always idealized you, and that no one can ever be as perfect as I made you out to be. I consider myself an observant person, but it is only recently that I have been able to take off the blinders and see you more clearly. Flawed, yes, but still wonderful.

If I ever said a bad word about you, know that it was only because I wished you would let me in, and when you didn’t, I was cowardly enough to try to break you down to make myself feel a little less small.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever really considered me a good friend. I think it is my greatest fear that I have meant nothing to you in the scheme of things. I’m not telling you this so that you can lavish me with assurances of my importance to you, I’m telling you because I want you to understand the ripples you’ve left in my life. I want you to know that I still think you are a delightfully eccentric, breath taking, and courageous girl. Thank you, for everything.